The Earplug Conundrum

This is a detective story of the most unusual kind, worthy of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. It starts with me rushing in from a bike ride around the Keasden area with a full bladder and dashing to the loo to relieve myself, knife —blade saddles have that effect on rue, Imagine the scene, bent over the bowl, it’s not easy to get your togger out of tight fitting cycle bib shorts, there staring up at me from the porcelain is a floating object. (No! Don’t stop reading it’s not what you think.) Now we’ve all visited a ba and found ‘floaters’ but this seemed, even to my colour-blind self, to be the wrong shade. On further inspection it didn’t look either human or vegetable, so there was no alternative. I quickly picked up the object and rapidly gave both my hands and the object a good wash, revealing, a pals YELLOW EARPLUG. At this point 1 ought to inform the reader that these plugs are of invaluable use when ‘capping’ as they protect the ears from the rather loud BANG!

Where had the earplug come from? I’d on1y cleaned the Ioo two days before with a liberal sprinkling of Domestos and a good scrubbing with a loo brush and it most definitely hadn’t been there then. I had, however, used the loo before going on my ride and I’m not in the habit of checking for earplugs after flushing, so had I produced the object and not noticed? The plot thickens.

My mind started to search for any method by which an earplug could have arrived in such an unusual place and as it was one of the softer variety, I don’t use these myself as I prefer the ones that look like bits of cylindrical Karrimat, it could not have fallen of my person. Hmmm!

Sam uses this softer type of plug when we’re down Avon Pot, maybe that is the connection but he hadn’t been in my loo since the night of the Club Dinner when we changed after lifting bags of bones out of Barbon Pot. It could be his but we hadn’t been capping so why would he have earplugs in and also that was over a week ago, I’d certainly have noticed it floating around for a week. Strange’

Now the brain was trying to connect the dots, Sam, Avon Pot, Jelly Babies. Let me explain, Sam always carries Jelly Babies in a small BDH and quite often we’ll stop for a break while caving and get a quick energy fix by downing a few of these sugar-rich treats. I seemed to remember him dropping his earplugs into a container when we we’re tapping one time, maybe one of the Jelly Babies I’d ‘whoofed’ down had been a little less chewy than the others and I’d just swallowed. I-low could it have survived in my tract for nearly two weeks, impossible or is it?

The only solution to the problem I could come up with was that it had dropped out of Sam’s pocket, been flushed into the U-bend and then, after an unhealthy delay, been back-flushed into the bowl. That sounded a little implausible to me so I can only surmise that I have a bowel that is capable of producing new foam rubber earplugs and I’m now an entrepreneur.

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