Volume 41 Number 2 Article 4
FSG Dinner, 1964
The following item, kindly supplied by Jim Newton, is reproduced from a 1964 Red Rose newsletter.
Fifteen orgy-goers left Lancaster bound for Ulverston and the "Odd Fellows Hall". One Renault fell by the wayside with a broken fanbelt and a puncture, whilst one Jowett got the whooping cough, but eventually all arrived. Our hosts, the F.S.G., were waiting with curried chicken at the ready and two barrels of giggling broth. We then changed for dinner and the Odd Fellows Hall fell silent and two pictures fell off the wall as "Ursula Undress" walked in clad in a bikini and a sheath knife, closely followed by a young piece in a grass skirt and a "Keep off the grass" attached to her attire. Two members of the F.S.G. fainted and were brought round with Eric's home made looney broth, and then two gentlemen in long-coms and evening dress caused them to pass out again.
Sights like this and a gentleman who wore a hat with a built-in tap and running water were enough to cause another picture to fall off the wall. An excellent meal was soon had by all, and "girt" quantities of ale and queer stuff was drunk. Soon the Odd Fellows and birds in the Odd Fellows began whooping it up, as beer-stained records gurgled and finally sank in a sea of booze. About this time, Sandra had an unfortunate accident as some ale splashed out of someone's glass, this was only the beginning, and soon her bikini-clad body became irresistible as three more pints were poured over her and finished off with a liberal dose of "Foo Foo" powder. She soon smelled delightful! About this time I suddenly became very wet and the "Keep off the grass" sign on Marian's attire was washed away in another flood of beer. Someone took off Melvyn's shirt and a custard pie was promptly slapped on his back, whereupon I suddenly felt wet again. The music blasted out, weird dances began, and in walked a bobby. At last I realised I had achieved my life's ambition - the front page of the News of the World! I could see the headlines: "DRUNKEN ORGY IN ODD FELLOWS HALL - POLICEMAN ATTACKED BY BEER SOAKED BIRD IN A BIKINI", etc., etc. Strangely enough he had a drink and left, Les reckoned he was one of us in fancy dress.
There was now a fuzzy blank space and the next thing I remember was every one receiving prizes except me. Then a dragon came in chased by an idiot in a William Tell outfit. It seemed some maiden (questionable) or other, had wanted this ferocious beast out of the way and after a tremendous tussle, the dragon was slain and the maiden walked back in. Eric should have slain the maiden and kept the dragon.
There was another fuzzy blank space and then every one got on everyone else's back and armed with mops, began a series of tournaments or jousts. This jousting was most enjoyable, if one was a spectator, but unfortunately Rose challenged Jim and Les who had already littered the room with groaning victims. The bugles sounded and the joust began, here another fuzzy blank space occurred, and the next thing I remember was picking my aching body off the floor, but a foot of beer had cushioned the fall and I will only be limping for a few days. Musical chairs were played with a transistor and someone shouting "NOW". Then everyone, who had been galloping around, sat down again. This went on for some time until someone realised no one was taking chairs away.
The beer flowed faster and the games got cuter and we eventually all flaked out, and soon the Odd Fellows Hall rang with snores and cries of "STOP IT". The next morning I woke up in an 'X' certificate film and tried to convince myself that I was in the Odd Fellows Hall. The sign on the wall saying 185 members and 16 maidens were served was later altered to 195 members and 21 maidens served.
The "Odd Fellows" was soon back to normal and Ulverston soon echoed with loud bangs that reverberated through the town as Jim's Jowett was pushed ceremoniously through the streets in a vain attempt to make it go. It was about this time that we made acquaintance with policeman number two and then an irate lady who threatened us with policeman number three. We hurriedly left the town and realised that in our hurry we had left our two sex kittens behind, last seen heading for the top of the monument. Eric, being an obliging chap, hurried back for them and the rest of us followed the erratic path of the Jowett, which was belting along in a shower of sparks at 5 mph. The procession of cars became longer and now and again people would run for cover as an exceptionally loud bang issued from below the Jowett.
It is possible that the Red Rose caused more road chaos than has been seen in those parts before, and the hand signals that came from that procession of cars had to be seen to be believed. Motorists hurled themselves into hedges and sheep in nearby fields gave birth on the spot as that procession of cars passed by. After a particular piece of ferocious driving down a steep hill, Jim abandoned his bus at a relative's farm and all the other transport took everyone to our destination, Broughton Slate Quarries. An enjoyable trip was had by all, except Clive, who was clobbered by a rock - caving is safer.
Later that afternoon, when we were all enjoying the sun, Eric's car began smouldering and this strange phenom-enon was watched with interest, for it had been parked for two hours. As the smoke became thicker, it was eventually decided to find out what was the cause and a short circuit was duly discovered and was soon put right by our tame electrician, who is now recovering from first degree burns.
The journey home was made in great haste with the Jowett, which we had collected on the way back hurtling along at 3 mph, and it was soon travelling so slowly that at one stage I could walk in front waving a white flag. It was then that we decided to tow it and this went quite well until we reached Milnthorpe, where the tow rope broke, and policeman number four appeared like a genie. After a friendly discussion with the bobby, we decided to abandon the Jowett, and pack 11 people into two vans. Unfortunately there was one over and he was placed on a bus and hasn't been seen since. Now which bus did we put him on? Later we learned that he had a round trip of Warton, Silverdale and Arnside before returning to Lancaster some two hours later, not a bad ride for 11 1/2d.