Red Rose Cave and Pothole Club - Newsletter Vol 2 No 2 - Summer 1964
FSG Dinner,
Fifteen orgy-goers left
Lancaster bound for Ulverston and the "Odd
Fellows Hall". One Renault fell by the wayside with a broken fanbelt and a puncture, whilst one Jowett got the whooping
cough, but eventually all arrived. Our hosts, the F.S.G., were waiting with
curried chicken at the ready and two barrels of giggling broth. We then changed
for dinner and the Odd Fellows Hall fell silent and two pictures fell off the
wall as "Ursula Undress" walked in clad in a bikini and a sheath
knife, closely followed by a young piece in a grass skirt and a "Keep off
the grass" attached to her attire. Two members of the F.S.G. fainted and
were brought round with Eric's home made looney broth, and then two gentlemen in long-coms and evening dress caused them to pass out again.
Sights like this and a
gentleman who wore a hat with a built-in tap and running water were enough to
cause another picture to fall off the wall. An excellent meal was soon had by
all, and "girt" quantities of ale and queer stuff was drunk. Soon the
Odd Fellows and birds in the Odd Fellows began whooping it up, as beer-stained
records gurgled and finally sank in a sea of booze. About this time, Sandra had
an unfortunate accident as some ale splashed out of someone's glass, this was
only the beginning, and soon her bikini-clad body became irresistible as three
more pints were poured over her and finished off with a liberal dose of "Foo Foo" powder. She soon
smelled delightful! About this time I suddenly became very wet and the
"Keep off the grass" sign on Marian's attire was washed away in
another flood of beer. Someone took off Melvyn's shirt and a custard pie was
promptly slapped on his back, whereupon I suddenly felt wet again. The music
blasted out, weird dances began, and in walked a bobby. At last I realised I
had achieved my life's ambition - the front page of the News of the World! I
could see the headlines: "DRUNKEN ORGY IN ODD FELLOWS HALL - POLICEMAN
ATTACKED BY BEER SOAKED BIRD IN A BIKINI", etc., etc. Strangely enough he
had a drink and left, Les reckoned he was one of us in fancy dress.
There was now a fuzzy
blank space and the next thing I remember was every one receiving prizes except
me. Then a dragon came in chased by an idiot in a William Tell outfit. It
seemed some maiden (questionable) or other, had wanted this ferocious beast out
of the way and after a tremendous tussle, the dragon was slain and the maiden
walked back in. Eric should have slain the maiden and kept the dragon.
There was another fuzzy
blank space and then every one got on everyone else's
back and armed with mops, began a series of tournaments or jousts. This
jousting was most enjoyable, if one was a spectator, but unfortunately Rose
challenged Jim and Les who had already littered the room with groaning victims.
The bugles sounded and the joust began, here another fuzzy blank space
occurred, and the next thing I remember was picking my aching body off the floor,
but a foot of beer had cushioned the fall and I will only be limping for a few
days. Musical chairs were played with a transistor and someone shouting
"NOW". Then everyone, who had been galloping around, sat down again.
This went on for some time until someone realised no one was taking chairs
away.
The beer flowed faster
and the games got cuter and we eventually all flaked out, and soon the Odd
Fellows Hall rang with snores and cries of "STOP IT". The next
morning I woke up in an 'X' certificate film and tried to convince myself that
I was in the Odd Fellows Hall. The sign on the wall saying 185 members and 16
maidens were served was later altered to 195 members and 21 maidens served.
The "Odd
Fellows" was soon back to normal and Ulverston
soon echoed with loud bangs that reverberated through the town as Jim's Jowett
was pushed ceremoniously through the streets in a vain attempt to make it go.
It was about this time that we made acquaintance with policeman number two and
then an irate lady who threatened us with policeman number three. We hurriedly
left the town and realised that in our hurry we had left our two sex kittens
behind, last seen heading for the top of the monument. Eric, being an obliging
chap, hurried back for them and the rest of us followed the erratic path of the
Jowett, which was belting along in a shower of sparks at 5 mph. The procession
of cars became longer and now and again people would run for cover as an
exceptionally loud bang issued from below the Jowett.
It is possible that the
Red Rose caused more road chaos than has been seen in those parts before, and
the hand signals that came from that procession of cars had to be seen to be
believed. Motorists hurled themselves into hedges and sheep in nearby fields
gave birth on the spot as that procession of cars passed by. After a particular
piece of ferocious driving down a steep hill, Jim abandoned his bus at a
relative's farm and all the other transport took everyone to our destination,
Broughton Slate Quarries. An enjoyable trip was had by all, except Clive, who
was clobbered by a rock - caving is safer.
Later that afternoon,
when we were all enjoying the sun, Eric's car began smouldering and this
strange phenomenon was watched with interest, for it had been parked for two
hours. As the smoke became thicker, it was eventually decided to find out what
was the cause and a short circuit was duly discovered and was soon put right by
our tame electrician, who is now recovering from first degree burns.
The journey home was
made in great haste with the Jowett, which we had collected on the way back
hurtling along at 3 mph, and it was soon travelling so slowly that at one stage
I could walk in front waving a white flag. It was then that we decided to tow
it and this went quite well until we reached Milnthorpe,
where the tow rope broke, and policeman number four appeared like a genie.
After a friendly discussion with the bobby, we decided to abandon the Jowett,
and pack 11 people into two vans. Unfortunately there was one over and he was
placed on a bus and hasn't been seen since. Now which bus did we put him on?
Later we learned that he had a round trip of Warton,
Silverdale and Arnside before returning to Lancaster
some two hours later, not a bad ride for 11 1/2d.
Jim Eyre