Two Million Years on Casterton Fell.

Have you noticed that now the fell is open that all sorts odd groups come up to Easegill? However the weirdest group came here late at night on the wildest night of the year, usually November 3rd. – Halloween., Long ago I stayed at the farm on this night all alone, putting up with all sorts of noises until I heard a weird Dr. Who like sound and getting up sure enough there was a police telephone box in the car park with a caver emerging with a barrel of Theakstones Old Peculier. Bloody Hell I thought - pirates! Wait until
Peter Muckalt and Andy Hall find out! So I rushed down the stairs finding them full of a party of kids. “Why don’t you book with the CNCC and Peter Muckalt” I asked.

 A little Kid squeaked up “It’s because the CNCC and Peter Muckalt don’t  believe that our address exists and its not so far  to Proxima Centuari, Your nearest star, planet Zircon, Trog caving club - every one in the universe knows us except BACRA who
know now’t. Mind you we are a bit wild known throughout the universe but we‘re not as bad as the NPC or NCC who are universally infamous“

The Trog caving club were a bit weird and wild! Once my eyes began to focus I was able to see them. They were four feet tall, covered in scales with large eyes on stalks, built in gills, webbed feet that locked onto rope like birds feet, a glowworm luminous body with a light on the head, and best  of all large knobbly private parts that doubled up for us as descenders!

Soon thinqs got interesting as they talked caving - apparently they visited caving areas early on in time - pre ice age, discussed theories in the pub and then visited the caves via the time machine to see if their theories were correct. (Hence the Tardis a crude mini minor of Space ships) in different times of development ranging from 1 million BC to 1 million AD when Chapel le Dale flows to Barbon Rising. “We’ve done them all; now we just go sporting caving, like today’s grade 10 trip - Ullet Gill via Keld Head sump, Notts Sump, Earby - Lancaster Hole sump and then out of Bullpot of the Witches.  No dry connections in 1965 see not like AD 1 million, show cave with train from Chapel le Dale to Barbon via huge dry tunnels; oh no!”

“Well” I said, trying to egg them on “What a load of rubbish. Show us a survey” The leading caver with one eye, put out the light and placed a small box on the table. All of a Sudden in 3D effect a wonderful scale model of the fells appeared just like a scene seen from an aero plane. Touching it in wonder I found the farm and trees and gill did not exist, it was a hologram. Suddenly the image of the fells lit up and caves were shown - as thin tubes in perfect detail in true shape with mud on floors and apparent water running through master caves. Sumps were represented with green water. Better still when the Trog pointed at Fall Pot or somewhere, a little scale sized man could he seen following the route of his finger. With a snap of his finger that section appeared to lift out to whatever scale you wanted, even to life size, to demonstrate holds for a climb etc potential for digs etc. (Won’t Jim be envious)

 

 

I was ignorant at that time as what was what and where but working from Kingsdale I just noticed a large unexpected passage below Marble Steps heading for Ireby with an inlet near to Little Pot when there was a knock on the door - in burst Jim Newton, Batty a nutter (EPC) and Lugger and the Brook brothers. By this time three Trogs had enlarged the survey to roam size; Jim was ecstatic at the Casterton end seeing what was later to be Montague South, Maracaibo and Woodhouse Way and many others that he’s found. The Brook brothers were doing well at the Kingsdale end and Jim and Lugger had almost sorted out Pippikin and Batty was looking in the gill valley when the one Earby man said look at that., whereupon accidentally put his wet hand on the survey box which blew up in a puff of smoke and the survey disappeared. Not before however the Brook brothers standing on a chair had worked out the hydrology for future fame. “FX2” the Trog swore “I’ll have to go back to the BACRA conference in 2087 to get another survey. By now he was really fuming (stinking carbide was issuing from his ears and mouth etc. He’d just eaten same carbide stew which was even hotter than one of Pete Llewellyn’s curry) This sent the cavers out especially when he lit a fag and roared and banged arid spluttered into flame with some spectacular bangs from his bum. Damn he was really hot under the collar now. To comfort himself he downed of Theakston and — exploded.

“Well”, I said what is the future caving trip? “Well”, replied the Trog, ‘passages ‘grow’ downwards at one foot per thousand years, now in the future no ice age occurs due to the greenhouse effect of industry so the caves just keep growing.  In 67000 AD the Perseus sump in Dale Barn opposite Keld Head going to Crosslands passage Keld Head is dropped by 65ft. so that Keld Head drains with Dale Barn (alt 830 down to Dryqill 775) this provides a dangerous fast flowing river in Dale Barn followed by huge 70ft. square passage all the way to KMC this is now like Lost Johns master cave with a walk right up to a 60ft. high passage right up to Yordas with a branch near Keld Head with a short free dive to Marble Steps (rather like 1980 Rowton), and another exit via rift, Around this time Leck Head Beck has dropped some 60ft. providing fine long passages and canals in Lost Johns and a swim to Pippikin.

Year 150000 AD is really exciting, the Nott 2 extension is now worn right down and Leck Beck originally at 700ft. with Keld Head at 850ft now drains Keld Head and the River Dee now sinks via Gods Bridge 750ft. with Meregill joining to flow via huge Mulu type passages to Leck Beck.

At that point a drunken Duncan arrives, trips and falls on top of a female Trog causing her to experience a cosmic orgasm, so thrilled is she that she takes him via the Tardis to Easegill in year 1 million AD; this by now drains to its lowest paint - Barbon or Dent. He returns after taking a Meregill Dent rising trip, now a show cave with a train; he is never the same again. “Well” I said when we had recovered “Never mind the future what was the past like?” “Well” he says Just like the theories Barbondale re ice age flows down Bullpot and Easegill down Ireby 2 with Kingsdale. The first man in 1 million BC was of course George Cornes a timeless man, he’s been around for ever but no one believes him. Later in 1540 people used to throw grotty old women from Kirkby Lonsdale down Bullpot of the Witches, but when they saw us they fled shouting -Devils and Demons. 

 

”Well” I said where in the future?  Ie: 250000AD Where do you go for gear and grub for gear an Grub”?

“Why to Inlesport and Bernies of course - cavers come and go but good habits stay the same!”

 

Andy Walsh.

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